CHARTS, SUCKERS & BUNNIES

I took my youngest in for his birthday check up. He was SO excited. I made a big deal about it. I told him, first see the doctor, then get a toy and a sucker, then we will go have lunch on a patio somewhere with Daddy. He’s got a sunny disposition and based on his actions he was a little combo of nervous and excited. It made me laugh and feel a little excited too.
The doctor walked in hurriedly after my boy aced his hearing and vision tests (I have to brag!) The doctor always starts with his colorful height and weight chart. He shows me where my son is on the chart, how much he’s grown, etc. I never really pay that much attention because (besides knowing which rides he can get on at Six Flags) they are just numbers and honestly I hate that they start their lives being compared to other kids.

So I was sort of tuned out, looking brightly at my one-day-away-from-being-six-year-old when the doctor mentioned that my son went from the 50th percentile in weight to the 70th percentile. I looked at the glossy chart. “Huh, okay.” I shrugged.
The doctor said maybe it’s because he’s not being as active as he used to be (pre-pandemic) and that many people have gained weight. I said “okay” again and hoped he would change the subject. He kept on with what I felt was his well polished sermon that was supposed to shine a light on whatever I was doing wrong as a mother.
He said that if his weight increased like that every year then it would get really out of control fast. “Okay” I said as I glanced at my still glowing son, trying to see if he understood. I strained to not look uncomfortable for my son’s sake but I was really done with the conversation.
Then the doctor said, “Is he eating too fast? It takes our bodies a long time to register that we are full and kids sometimes eat too fast. Simple changes like fruit as an after school snack instead of chips and a soda really make a difference.” My memory flashed back to my son eating a big shiny bowl of cantaloupe with this bare hands a few days prior. “He likes cantaloupe” I said. But the doctor didn’t seem to care or maybe he didn’t believe me.
Exam done; my boy got his toy and sucker and we left. He was still radiant and I was heart broken. I knew I would never go back to see that doctor. And he’s a great doctor. He’s the pediatrician that we have seen for 14 years starting when my stepson was born. The pediatrician who taught me to breastfeed, that taught us how to get the kids to eat solids foods, that wrapped my son’s fractured arm and tested my other son for ADHD. He would never treat my kids again.
Was I overreacting? I discussed it with my spouse as we sat under a cloudless sky, eating on a patio as we had promised. The day suddenly less rich. Tears streamed down my face.
There are other factors at play here (things like distance, insurance, etc) but here are the vivid reasons I made my choice:

1. Doctors (or anyone for that matter) should never talk to a child about their weight in front of them. My rambunctious six year old didn’t pay much attention but my seven year old heard every.single.word. How do you turn a glowing child into a teen with an eating disorder? Do exactly what this doctor did. Body shame them. Tell them they weigh too much, that they eat the wrong foods, that they are going to get fat. Our society tells us that FAT is one of the worst things you can be AND it’s your fault for being it. It’s called Fat Phobia and our kids know all about it.
2. Doctors and the medical community at large NEEDS to stop using BMI (and I’m pretty sick of the glossy, colored lines going everywhere, comparison charts too). BMI was never meant to be a determiner of health. AND, kids grow at different rates. He could sprout up three inches in a summer. Go from 50% height to 70% height practically overnight. Are we going to freak out then too?
3. Assumptions were made about the way we eat at home. Why? Is it because I am overweight? If his mother had been some athletic looking, thin woman would the doctor have assumed that his after school snack was chips and soda? This is a stereotype. I spent too much of my life worried about what I ate. It drove me down a well-lit highway to medical problems, mental health issues and tons of wasted time. Eat what makes you feel good and don’t vilify “junk food.” That only makes it more exciting to eat.
4. More and more studies are showing that being active is really the key to health. That you can be any size and still be “healthy.” I signed my child up for rock climbing because I was tired of him climbing the furniture, the banister, and his father among other things. The other day during his rock climbing class, I saw him climb up the wall, grab two of the holds and hang on (his entire body weight dangling in the air). He loves it. (Let me be clear: I’m not justifying. I want you to know that even if your kid is not as active as mine, that’s okay. Help them find an activity they love, model doing an activity yourself, encourage them and then stop worrying.)
5. Lastly and most importantly, during one of the worst years of my lifetime, the doctor’s biggest concern is that my child’s weight went up. (THAT IS YOUR BIGGEST CONCERN?!?) Why was he not concerned about other things? Here’s a list of just some of what the doctor should be concerned about:
   

• My child’s mental health: He missed kindergarten. There will be no cute pictures of his first day of school. No “best friend you’ve known since kindergarten,” none of that. He had one chance. He missed it.
  
• My child’s social health: He told me crying one day that he had no friends and no one to play with. He loves his brother but you can only play with the same kid for so long. He started hitting more.
  
• My child’s basic needs being met and financial security: My spouse was laid off this year and now we are both running businesses. Ask a self employed person about their medical insurance. They will laugh or cry or maybe both.
  
• My child’s family ties: His grandma had to say happy 5th birthday to him from the front porch. When he ran to hug her I had to hold him back. He had no birthday party that year.
  
• My child’s home environment (and frankly making sure he’s not being abused): We as parents have been through rough patches this last year where we thought we just couldn’t go on one.more.freaking.day. We yelled too much, got impatient and depressed. I’m sure he was affected by that.

None of that seemed to be a concern to the doctor, just the weight. Only the weight. Weight does not equal health.
I not angry (although I had my moments) but I am sad. I’m sad that this relationship is ending. I’m sad that our medical field has gotten so blind-sided by fat phobia that they can’t see a bright healthy child when one walks into their office. And I’m sad that this won’t be the last time my children are shamed because of the size of their bodies.
I’m most sad that I didn’t stick up for my son in that moment.
I’m sad but I can also see the sunlight through the clouds. I’m writing this and you are reading this and that’s something. Maybe it will make you think. Maybe it will help you act. Maybe the next time your mom mentions how your daughter has “thickened up” you’ll shut her down. Maybe when your grandkids are around you won’t say things like,” I ate too much popcorn at the movie. I’m such a fat pig.” Maybe when your nephew admits that he doesn’t want to play basketball because all the other kids are taller than him, you’ll say “So what? If you like playing then play!”
Maybe you’ll refuse to be weighed the next time you go to the doctor. Maybe you’ll advocate for yourself or someone else when weight is being blamed for a serious medical issue. Maybe you’ll respect that all people deserve good medical care. Maybe you’ll demand good medical care regardless of your size. Maybe you’ll start to see health as more than just weight. Maybe together we can redefine health to look at the whole person, even if they are only six.